Broken
by unknownXidentity
Summary: Lily Evans used to be beautiful, sweet, innocent. But after one mysterious summer she's suddenly ugly, cruel, and... hidden. Her shell is her safety zone and no one can cross it... save one boy.
1. Chapter 1

**Broken  
Chapter One  
Backdrops and Fake Models**

XXX

-James' POV-

"James, take over for me, darling, would you?" I look up at the sound of my mother's voice and nod before going back into my former position. I have my elbow sitting comfortably upon the director's chair with my chin resting in the palm of my open hand. I'm watching male Muggles of all sorts snapping photos of the models posing in front of a flower background. They are, at the time, dressed in summer clothes as they have already done winter and swimsuits. My father is currently at work, most likely doing something much better than what I am forced to do.

As school hasn't started yet, I've had to go everywhere with my mother. And, when I say everywhere, I truly mean that. She has lugged me around to all of her various photo shoots and other Muggle jobs she does. Whenever she has to go do something for the Ministry, however, I can't go. Of course, leave all the fun stuff for later and make it impossible for me to be able to go. "Excuse me, Mr. Potter, is your mother nearby?" one of the Muggles asks while holding a pile of papers. He is visibly shaking and obviously nervous about talking to me. One could only guess why, but I don't have to as I've already explained it to my friends many times.

My mother is head of the most important designing industry in the country. Naturally, her employees would be nervous to talk to her because she's so famous and, as is, they are quite afraid of me too. My father is a man that nobody dares mess with, but it doesn't matter anyway because he never comes to my mother's work. Not unless something drastic has happened and we have to leave right away. But me, well, let's just say I'm here almost every day. "No," I respond, lazily, yawning ever so slightly.

"Do you happen to know where she might be?" the man questions, making me roll my eyes.

"She went off somewhere and she told me to take charge. Is there something you wanted?" Now, I know I really sound like a stuck-up rich boy who thinks the world revolves around him, but, seriously, I'm not. My mother has yelled at me time and time again for letting her employees off too easily, so I'm forced to make it sound as if I don't have a care in the world and these people bothering me are just gum on my shoe. Before she ever found out that I used to have at least a little fun at her work, I was always watching every photo be taken, helping with every single pose, and being more than nice to the workers. Ever since last year, I haven't been able to do any of that for fear of my mother finding out.

"Well, yes, actually. I… umm… well, we just finished shooting for the summer clothes. Would you like to move on to the darker phase?"

My eyes immediately lit up at this proposition. For some reason, I always took a liking to the Goth girls that came in to model for the dark clothing. They just fascinated me with their differences from the normal people I see almost every day. "Do you know what time it is?"

"It's three o'clock PM, sir."

"Okay, look, my mother is supposed to be at a meeting right now and she told me she was leaving at two thirty which is when she left. I want every model in the dressing rooms ready for shooting the dark clothes. We've only got two hours." The man smiles as a woman I used to know very well walks up to me.

"Mr. Potter, it's good to have you back," she says, smiling warming.

"Lisa, please. Call me James. Do you know where my camera might be?"

"Where it always has been," she responds, gesturing towards the many boxes piled against the wall.

"Thank you. I'm going to get everything set up and, when I'm done, I want all the models lined up. Announce my big news for me."

"I'll have them ready before you are," Lisa says before walking off towards the dressing room. It feels so good to be back.

XXX

"I need a new background! A red one! Let's go, people!" I shout, lowering my camera. "Kathy, can you update my Pictures Folder on my laptop so all the digital photos are going on there. I want to sort through those first."

"Sure thing, James!" We have gotten almost halfway through the models and the more dark and Goth-looking girls are starting to show up. During one of my many trips back to the dressing room, I managed to sneak a look at some of the outfits they will be using, but I was shooed out almost instantly every time.

"What's so special about him?" I hear one of the models question as Lisa announces that it's four o'clock.

"We have to hurry! We've only got an hour left!" I call out, bending down slightly to capture the sadness that has just entered the face of the model in front of me.

"Last year, he was the best photographer here. He's the son of the boss of this company so, naturally, when she found out he was interacting with her employees and being way too nice to us, she banned him from talking to us anymore. He managed to get in that he was still allowed to come, but the only time he's allowed to do anything is when his mom says he can. This is the first time he's been this alive in a while," another model says. I grin slightly as I recognize the voice to be one of my good friends.

"Jason, take over for me for a bit! Catch the down angle look!" I say before heading over to the models.

"James, we've already discussed that you aren't allowed to go over there," Lisa says, stepping in my way.

"Lisa, darling, I want to say hi to Jayde. Please."

"Fine." As I walk over to Jayde Matthews, a witch from Hogwarts and one of my best friends, she runs in my direction. I catch her in my outstretched arms as she jumps and wraps her legs around my waist. Thank God she's wearing jeans or whatever skirt she might have been wearing would have been ripped terribly.

"It's so good to see you!" she whispers, hugging me as I hold her up. When we are done, I let her drop to the floor and look down to find a huge smile stretching from ear to ear.

"I can't believe I haven't seen you until now."

"Your mother would kill me if she saw me do what I just did."

"No kidding. That was a dangerous move."

"So, kiddo, what're you doing disobeying her then?"

"I had to get some photography in before the school year."

"Well, obviously. Let's just hope you can get me in."

"I've got a whole rocker thing ready for you." Jayde claps her hands together like a little schoolgirl before jumping up and down.

"I want you to meet my friend," Jayde says, taking my wrist and pulling me towards the end of the line.

"Oh, sure, you go and get in line way back here so it's probably impossible for me to get you in a shoot." Jayde just rolls her eyes as I hear the double doors opening. Who could that be?

"James, this I Eve. Eve, this is James." A girl with long, straight, black hair and beautiful, emerald green eyes looks up at me and I'm caught slightly off guard. The girl immediately looks down again and whispers something to Jayde. "Sorry," Jayde mutters, stepping next to Eve. "Looks like Lisa wants you. Go on, James. We'll talk later," she says, waving me away. I only nod and head off towards Lisa.

"Yes?" I question upon reaching Lisa. For some reason, she looks desperately worried. "What's wrong?" I add.

"It's quarter to five. Your mother just called and said she's on her way."

"Damn. We'll make it. Don't worry. Just… create a distraction," I say, lowering my voice.

"You don't mean…" Lisa starts, her gaze lingering over to her purse.

"Yes. A magical distraction. Can you do it?" Lisa looks warily towards the double doors, then back at her purse, and finally back at me. She nods before running off. Lisa is one of the few other witches in the room. It is Lisa, Jason, Jayde, Kyle, Kit, my mother, and myself. "10 minutes!" I suddenly yell out, running over to the photo shoot. We have to get this done by five.

XXX

"Sweet, Jayde, how did we get you so fast?" I say as Jayde steps into the spotlight. "Kyle, I need a stage background, a smoke machine, and lights," I add, grinning. As soon as I have everything set up, I flick the smoke machine on and soon Jayde is rocking out. Once she is done, her friend, Eve, steps into the spotlight. "White backdrop. No lights or smoke." I look at the girl in front of me and think as the photographers snap away. She looks a lot like a raven-haired Avril Lavigne. The old version, though. You know, the one with all the bracelets, tank tops, jeans, and Chucks. That Avril.

The girl is obviously shy as she is playing with her bracelets and offering a weak smile. The photographers don't really take a liking to her as they don't take as many pictures, but, for some reason, I can't get enough of her. Sitting Indian style in front of her, I lean back, camera at my eye, and begin shooting. The first flash surprises her and she jumps slightly.

I stand up and put up a hand to stop the photography. "Why are you scared?" I ask once I'm close enough to her.

"I hate being in the spotlight," she whispers, looking down.

"So why are you a model?" I laugh, lifting her head so she's forced to look at me.

"Jayde said it would help pay the rent."

"If you're good. Seriously, though, I think you're awesome. You just need… courage, I guess. And I've got an idea. What if it was just me and you?"

"Then I could do it."

"Okay. One second." I step back and turn around. "Jason!" Jason looks my way and I send him a look that he immediately understands. He eventually gets all the models to go change and all the photographers settled with sorting out their photos for the day. Soon, the room is cleared save for Eve and me. "Ready?" Eve nods and I leave my camera sitting on my mother's desk. I pick up the video camera unnoticed and place it so that I can see Eve clearly. "Do you go to Hogwarts with Jayde?" Eve nods again and I sigh. "You're gonna have to talk to me."

"I'm sorry. Shouldn't we start?"

"Exactly my thoughts. Okay, I want you to use me as your prop. I'm going to give you a situation and you're going to put it to use. Ready? Good. Let's go." I close my eyes momentarily, thinking hard. "In a dark alley, you're afraid of the lightning, and your boyfriend is holding you. It's raining out and…" I stop as I feel her arms slip around my waist and her head rest against my chest. She steps back and I open my eyes. "Good. Pretend like your posing for Victoria's Secret." The pose she does almost sets me into an unbelievable height of horniness and I actually have to turn around and breathe deeply to calm my racing heart.

"Sorry," she whispers, grinning.

"No, it's not your fault. Now you hate everyone. Hold the pose," I say as I reach for my camera. When I look back, I can actually feel the hatred radiating off her and I must say, I am impressed to an extent I have had yet to encounter. It's amazing how I can fully see the sorrow in her eyes, the anger characterizing ever feature of her face, and the extreme dark side of her personality suddenly appearing. "Love." The transformation that now takes place is so fast and so astonishing that I'm caught slightly off guard.

After only a few more poses and many pictures later, the double doors fly open and all I can hear is the hinges creaking and the wood splintering as it hits the brick walls. "James Potter!" my mother screams as she stalks my way. Eve steps back fearfully as my shoulders hunch and I prepare myself for anything that's about to be thrown at me. "Get in the car! We're leaving!" she yells again as Eve runs back to the dressing room unnoticed. I push my luck by gathering up all the rolls of film, my laptop, and my bag before running from the room and out of the building.

Once outside, I pack my things in the back seat and lean against the car. I slip down into a sitting position and close my eyes as I feel something wet drop down on my nose. Standing up, I let the now heavy falling rain beat down on my face as I slowly make my way towards the end of the car. I had only taken about three steps away from the car when a passing speeding car hit me.

XXX

When I next woke up, I was lying in my bed at home, the lights out. I try to sit up, but fall back instantly, unbelievable pain searing through my body. After trying many more times to either sit up or call attention to the fact that I need someone, I fall into a miserable sleep and decide to just wait for morning.

XXX

It is exactly one week since the car hit me and my mother has since forgiven me for interacting once again with her employees. After much discussion and, after I showed her the wonderful pictures from the photo shoot, she has also finally allowed me to once again work with everyone at the studio.

We are currently at the King's Cross Train Station after a long car ride and, the only thing I'm looking forward to right now is seeing my two great friends, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

After saying good-bye to my parents, I quickly walk over to the barrier between platforms nine and ten and carefully look around to make sure I'm not going to be found out. I lean against the barrier and try to look as if I'm just resting before I slip out of view and through the barrier. I walk around the corner and smile as I see the Hogwarts Express come into view. As I walk towards the train, I receive many waves and smiles from girls. I wave and smile back to all of them, but only one girl can truly capture my attention and I have yet to find her.

"Excuse me, kind sir, but I am looking for a Mr. James Potter. Might you know where I can find him?" I turn around, fully expecting to see an adult, but, instead, I come face to face with none other than Sirius Black himself. "Absolutely smashing to see you, my boy," he says, tipping a black top hat that he has atop his mess of black hair. I grin and embrace my friend before turning to Remus to hug him.

"It was nice finally seeing you, Prongs, but I really must get going to the Prefect's room."

"Not Head this year?" I ask, simply astounded.

"Nope. I'm not surprised, though. I'm just curious as to who is."

"You're looking at him."

"What?" Remus stops, turns, and looks over at me. Sirius does the same thing. "You? Head Boy?"

"I got the letter a couple weeks ago," I explain, casually. Sirius and Remus look at me in shock, but I only shake my head and laugh. "C'mon, guys, it's not that big of a deal."

"You weren't even a Prefect. How can you be Head?" Sirius questions, looking at me incredulously.

"I dunno. I guess life just happened to work out that way."

"Interesting. So, you'll have to come with me then," Remus says suddenly, catching Sirius' attention.

"What about me?" he complains, putting on a sad face that gets a few 'awws' from some passing girls. His expression immediately brightens as he turns and waves in their direction. But, when he turns back to us, the sadness is back.

"You have the attention span of a squirrel, Padfoot. Really, you do. Look, you can come with us. Right, Moony?"

"Yeah. Some of the other Prefects used to bring their friends all the time. Lily always brought in Jayde, December, and Emily." As soon as Remus had said that, my eyes widen and a sudden dawning thought crosses my mind.

"Guys…" I begin, putting a hand to my head.

"Jeez, I can smell the wood burning from here," a voice sneers from behind me. I quickly turn around to find Lucius Malfoy and his gang standing there, looking as smug as ever. "Potter."

"Malfoy." He nods as do I before he walks off and I have a slight vision of myself stabbing him through the back. "As I was thinking before I was so rudely interrupted. Guys... Lily is obviously gonna be Head Girl, right?"

"Well, duh. She's practically perfect," Sirius responds as Remus gasps.

"You get it, don't you. I'm going to be in the same house as Lily." Sirius' eyes widen this time as Remus picks up his bag.

"She's going to kill you within the first ten minutes. I'm giving you that long," he says, walking towards the train.

"That's not fair! I should get at least until the next morning!" I yell, running after Remus with Sirius closely behind me…


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two  
God Save the Queen**

XXX

-Lily's POV-

I walk past the many fully compartments on the train as I slowly make my way towards the head of the train where the Prefect's and Head's compartment is located. I am almost halfway there when someone stops me. "What house are you in? Or are you new?" I look to find Lucius Malfoy standing there. There's a smile upon his face that I have never seen before. It actually looks genuine and heart-felt.

"Gryffindor," I respond, smiling back.

"Oh. I'm sorry then. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No. What were you going to say? It shouldn't matter what house I'm in."

"You're right. But, still, I should probably get to know you more before I ask you out."

"You probably should. Aren't you a Prefect?"

"Yeah. I had to get a bit of away time. Potter's Head Boy. I'm never going to be able to take orders from him."

"Potter?" I gasp. My whole world has suddenly turned upside down. Sure, he was nice when I saw him at the photo shoot, but that was only because he didn't know it was me.

"Yeah. I wonder how Evans is going to take that. She hates him."

"How come?" I question, realizing my biggest mistake yet. Although my summer completely sucked, it had been somewhat okay with my transformation. I had thought, back when I started the new look, that I would be treated better when I returned to Hogwarts. Now, I have only come to realize no one knows who I am. They all think I'm some student nobody has noticed before. The once beautiful, red-head, perfect Lily is gone and has been replaced by an ugly, black-haired, mistaken stranger known as Eve.

"I don't know. I think, personally, she just hates him for being so stuck-up and conceited and always bugging her to go out with him. At least, that's what she always says. Calling him a git, pig-headed, arse, and many other various things. She's not exactly the nicest person when it comes to Potter. Well, it was nice meeting you. Hopefully I'll see some other time." I only nod as Lucius walks away. All I can think of is how terribly mean I am.

XXX

When I had finally reached the Prefect's and Head's compartment I open the door slowly and make my way in. This compartment is much larger and much more extravagant looking than all the other ones. "Do I know you?" I turn at the familiar voice of Sirius Black and glare down at him.

"No. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't hit on me the moment you saw me," I say, pushing past him and sitting down in the farthest corner from Sirius and Remus. I have just put my bags away and I am about to sit when the door slides open again and in walks James.

"Eve?" he questions upon seeing me. I offer him a weak smile and wave slightly before he excuses himself from his friends and sits down next to me. "It's good to see you," he says, pulling me into an unexpected hug.

"It's good to see you too. How were your last few weeks after the shoot?"

"Awesome. On my way out of the building, I got hit by a car." I look up at James in shock as he smiles. "My mom is really good when it comes to healing, so I was fine in two days. But, she said I could start working with all her employees again. I can't wait for next summer now. Are you gonna be there?"

"I don't think so. I think I might move in with Jayde. She offered over the summer, but I refused and moved into my own apartment."

"How were your last few weeks?"

"Okay… I guess."

"Lily!" I look up, fear crossing my face instantly. I shake my head profusely as James turns back. Jayde comes running over to me and engulfs me in a hug. "Hey girl! Long time no see, huh? I got the pictures you sent. You were awesome at the shoot. I can't believe I didn't get to see! And wonderful James! What're you doing here? Did Remus finally say you could come?"

"No. I'm Head this year. Why did you call Eve Lily?"

"I did? No, I didn't. Are you hearing things, James. My God. So, Lils, what's up?"

"Okay, hold on. I'm so way confused. Am I not filled in on something?"

"James, I'm so sorry," I say, glaring at Jayde.

"Oh my God. He doesn't know, does he? Lily, I didn't mean to. I'm so, so, so sorry."

"It's okay, Jayde. James, it's me. Evans," I whisper, looking down.

Almost immediately, I feel his hand upon my face and I am forced to look up at him. "No," he says, shaking his head as I see tears welling up in his eyes. "What did you do?" he whispers, his hand going to my hair as he runs his fingers through my straight, black hair. This is certainly not the response I expected to get from the famous James Potter. I imagined him shrugging and asking me out. Not for him to get upset. "Why?"

"I'm sorry," I repeat, pulling away from his touch and turning away.

"Remus, can you please take over for me? Just for today. I'll see you guys before we get off the train," James whispers before exiting the compartment.

XXX

"Lily?"

I look up at Remus and sigh slightly. It was bad enough having to confront James. Now, I have to deal with an actual friend finding out. "Hello Remus."

"You're not Lily," Remus whispers as he backs away slightly.

"It is me, Remus. I've changed."

"The Lily Evans I know wouldn't change that much. Not unless something happened."

"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what happened at this point. You will find out someday, though. I promise." I look down and close my bag before standing up. After I take my bags down from the overhang, I make my way out of the compartment.

"Lily!" Jayde calls after me. I ignore her and just close the door behind me, holding back the unwanted flow of tears I don't want to remember. I never want to think about him again…

XXX

_"Hey dad!" I exclaim upon seeing my father standing by his car, waiting for me. I am the only witch in my family out of my parents and my sister. My smile fades slightly as I see Petunia in the backseat, but it brightens almost immediately again when my father walks towards me, his arms outstretched._

"It's good to see you again," he says as he hugs me tightly. "Let me help you with your bags."

"You smell different, dad. Is that new cologne?"

"No. It's my girlfriend's perfume. Get in the car." I am frozen to the ground as I stare at dad in shock. His girlfriend? What about mom? What happened to her? "I told you to get in the car." As I look up, I am frightened to the extent that I actually have to take a step back. Although dad's eyes were warm and dancing only seconds before, they are now stone cold and filled with hatred. "Lily, you will listen to me when I speak to you. Get in the car."

"What did you do to mom?"

"We'll discuss your mother on the way home. Let's go! Claris is waiting!" he shouts, taking me by the shoulders and shoving me forward. I scream as I hit the car and slide down it, pain exploding all over.

"James, let's go. Don't bother with Evans. She probably just tripped." I try to stand up and scream back at Sirius that I need him and James' help.

"No, she didn't. Her dad pushed her. Mom, we'll be right back."

"Prongs, forget it. If you go over there and try to save her, she'll murder you."

"Sirius, shut up! I can take care of myself!" James yells, pushing Sirius away as my father pulls me up, opens the car door, and pushes me inside. As soon he gets in, I roll down the window and about to yell out that I need help when the window rolls back up and the car speeds away…

XXX

_"May I please speak to Miss Zenon?" I say, cradling the phone between my chin and shoulder as I continue to cut up the tomatoes for tonight's salad._

"One moment please." I am put on hold as I impatiently wait for the secretary to get my mother.

"Hello? This is Kathryn Zenon speaking. How may I help you?"

"Mom, this is Lily."

"Oh my God! Lily! Sweetie, are you okay? I tried to come get you at the train station, but your father wouldn't allow it!"

"What happened? Tell me everything."

"Your father and I were having many more fights than we usually do, so I took a vacation. When I came back, I found out he had had nearly six girlfriends. He was having affair after affair every night. I moved into my friend's house and I am currently working on getting a divorce. Hun, I am so sorry. I swear to you, I tried to get you. I couldn't."

"It's okay, mom. Can you come get me now?"

"I'll try. Go out tonight for a walk around midnight. I'll pick you up and then we can get your stuff at another time."

"Okay. Umm… Dad! Hi!"

"Lily, who are you talking to?" my father asks as he stalks towards me.

"No one. Just a friend."

"Hang up with your mother right now. I told you not to call her."

"Bye. Love you, mom," I whisper into the phone before hanging up. I back away, the knife I had been using to cut the tomatoes clattering to the floor. "Please don't hurt me."

"Go to your room. I'll be there in ten minutes." I nod and hurry off to my room. By now, I am beyond petrified…

XXX

_When my father finally arrives in my room, I am sitting on my bed, hands crossed, staring at the floor. "Stand up," he orders, closing the door as he does. I stand up as he pulls off his jacket and throws it in the corner. "Does anyone pick on you at your freak school?" he questions, cracking his knuckles._

"No," I whisper, tears already falling down my face."

"Well, now you'll know what it's like to be beat up."

"Dad, please. Don't," I try, stepping back.

"Shut up, bitch." He pulls me towards him, glares at me, and then shoves me into the wall...

XXX

_When my father finally leaves, it is almost midnight and I am shaking beyond all utter belief. Mustering up the strength I don't have, I quickly clean up my bleeding wounds before throwing a sweatshirt on and a pair of socks. After I have laced up my sneakers, I open my window and jump down. When my feet have touched the ground, I take off as fast as I can, hoping my mother will arrive shortly…_

XXX

_I have already walked for almost an hour when I finally decide my mother isn't going to come and I start back towards the house. When I have finally reached the house, however, I find a scene that not only terrifies me, but makes me realize how much danger I am now in. My mother's car is up in flames and she's lying a few yards from it, a knife in her back and bullet wounds everywhere. From ten feet away, I can tell she's dead. Crying hysterically, I run towards my house, open the door, and find my dad in the doorway. "Sneaking out are we? This calls for some punishment. Looks like you just can't get enough, Lily."_

As he closes the door and pushes me towards the stairs, I know he's going to beat me again. I unfortunately come to the conclusion that I'm right after I am in my room and am left bleeding three hours later…

XXX

_"July Seventh," I write on the wall with sharpie before looking up at the mirror. It has now been a month since dad killed mom, beat me, and raped me. He has gotten away with everything and I'm fed up with being the perfect daughter. It's time for a drastic change._

"Three days ago, my father's girlfriend complimented me brutally on how pretty my hair was before she left to have fun with my father. It was only then did I realize what was attracting everyone to me. My looks. The fact that everyone thought I was beyond gorgeous," I continue to write. When I finish, I reach into the bag beside me and pull out a bottle.

"Although I won't be known as perfect, beautiful Lily anymore, I'm quite fine with that. Step One: change my hair color to black."

When I get out of the shower and am done with my hair, I go back into my room to let the dye work its magic. Picking up the phone, I dial my best friend's number and wait for her to pick up. Unfortunately, there is no answer and I think it a better idea not to leave a message.

After an hour or so has passed, I am once again at work. "Step One was successful as my former red-headed self now adorns black hair," I write. "Step Two: get rid of those goddamn curls." Before pulling out my newly bought straightener, I look over my work on the wall. There is only one other step after this one and then I will be rid of my horrendously beautiful looks forever.

It doesn't take me long to straighten my hair and, as I started at two, I am done by three thirty. Upon looking back in the mirror, I criticize my final work and immediately fix a few weak spots. Taking up my sharpie again, I continue with my writing on the wall. "Step Two was more than successful as my once banana curl hair is now bone straight. Step Three: cosmetics."

Grinning to myself, I lay out all my new make-up: black eyeliner, black mascara, black eye shadow, and red lipstick. Leaning in closer to my mirror, I first apply the eyeliner until it's as dark as I can possibly get it. Looking back, I am momentarily shocked before I pick up the eye shadow. After I have put it on thick and made it how I want it, I pick up the eyeliner again. After I have drawn black tears going down from my eyes, I pick up the mascara and put on as much as I can. Finally, I open the lipstick case and twist it up. Taking a deep breath, I put on the lipstick and then add all the final touches. Stepping back, I make sure I look positively revolting before I run out of my bathroom and into my room.

After I have changed into a black tank top that shows my red bra straps and a tight, black, mini skirt, I pull on my black fishnets and my black, leather, high heel boots. Once all that is on, I hold out my hands to reveal black fingernails and my bones practically poking out. That's right. My father just barely didn't starve me and, although it cost me greatly, I went anorexic and haven't eaten anything except a small breakfast for two weeks now. I started cutting four weeks ago and, the last time I went outside was when I bought all my needed products. And that was three weeks ago.

Once I have pull on a small, tight, black sweatshirt and slung my bag over my shoulder, I look over at my trunk. There is a fireplace in my room and, to this day, I am eternally grateful for it. Grabbing my trunk and my three other bags, not including the one on my shoulder, I step over to the fireplace and grab a handful of Floo Powder in a jar next to the pit. After sneaking one last glance at my room, I wave good-bye, step into the fireplace, and yell out my friend's house address…

XXX

When I next wake up, it is to find that the train is slowing down and I have yet to change into my Hogwarts clothes. Working quickly, I change into my knee-length, grey skirt, my knee-length grey socks, my black shoes, my collared, long sleeve, white shirt, my grey vest, and my red and yellow tie. After I am finished, I pull out my mirror and quickly begin touching up my make-up so that it looks like it did back in July. I haven't put it on this thickly in a little while because I've always been so busy, but I have enough time right now. Once done, I take up all my bags and my trunk before heading to the front. After dropping off my stuff in the now empty Prefect's and Head's compartment, I run towards the nearest door and hop off the train. I catch what is almost the last carriage going to Hogwarts and am forced to sit with a bunch of second years who have no clue who I am.

Once inside the Great Hall, I seat myself next to Jayde and ignore all the stares I receive. "James is so pissed at you," she whispers as she realizes it's me.

"Why?"

"Well, I guess pissed isn't the right word. He's really upset, though. Sirius said he went to find him and couldn't. So, then Remus and I went to look for him and, on the way, we met up with Sirius and he told us James had nearly killed him with all the hexes he threw at him. He said James was yelling something about you and how he couldn't believe what you had done to yourself. Sirius also said James was crying, but I find that very, very hard to believe. Although, he does look like he has been if you look close enough. He sounds sick, so I'm assuming that's his nose and his eyes are bloodshot and sort of red around the edges. And where did you go?"

"To the absolute back of the train where nobody sits. I fell asleep and had millions of nightmares about my dad. Wonderful way to start off the new school year, huh?"

"Don't worry, Lily. You'll get a nice rest tonight and your dad won't bother you. I promise. Besides, if he does, you can have James comfort you. Well, if he doesn't still hate you."

"Jayde, I have to tell you something. And it's kind of freaky."

"And that would be?"

"James hugged me earlier."

"Was that before or after he knew you were Lily."

"Before. When he thought I was still Eve."

"And?"

"It felt really good," I whisper, looking down at my hands.

"I've had a hug or two from James and, I must say, I feel exceptionally safe in his arms. Sirius, however…" Jayde trails off, a dreamy look crossing her face.

I nudge her slightly and she snaps back before I continue. "I don't want to feel that way about James."

"Look, just don't give him a reason to be near you and then you won't have to worry about him. Time for the old speech." Jayde immediately went into her famous bored phase as she lets her chin fall on the palm of her hand and she closes her eyes. I grin ever so slightly and shake my head as Jayde's fake eyes are revealed. Every year, Jayde is known for putting a spell on herself so that she has a pair of fake eyes on her eyelids so it looks like she's awake and listening when she's really not.

"Hello and welcome to another great year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, starts off as he stands up. "I am Professor Albus Dumbledore and, for the new first years, I am your headmaster." There is a vivacious round of applause as Dumbledore grins broadly. "As the sorting is already over, I would like to welcome all the first years into their houses and I hope that you will find that everything should be accommodated to your liking. Our new Head Boy and Girl for the year can help you with anything you need. On the note of Head Boy and Girl, I would like to introduce and tell you about each of them."

I poke Jayde in the ribs as Dumbledore comes out from behind the staff table and begins down the steps leading to the house tables. "Since when does he talk about us?" I question, watching as Dumbledore stops by the Gryffindor table.

"Since now," Jayde responds, yawning slightly.

"Although, for many years, our Head Boy and Girl have been from different houses, this year's Heads are from the same house. Would you two please come up here?" Dumbledore looks down the seats as no one stands up. "Okay then. I'll talk first," he says, looking slightly aggravated. "This year's Head Girl is Lily Evans. You may all know her by her fiery, red curls and perfection at excelling in almost every class Hogwarts has to offer." There is a huge round of applause with a few whistles thrown in.

"There is, however, one other way to distinguish Miss Evans from all the rest of you. Now, who has heard of James Potter? Otherwise known as one of the Marauders?" Every single student, minus the first years, raised their hands. "Lily is also known for her constant bickering, yelling, hexing, and many, many other things with James. Which brings us to our Head Boy of the year. Mr. James Potter himself." At this statement, the entire Great Hall looks over at Dumbledore in shock and I can distinctly see Professor McGonagall shaking her head.

"James Potter is not only known for his fighting and yelling with Lily in return, but also for his amazing talents on the Quidditch field. Mr. Potter plays the difficult position of seeker for the Gryffindor team and…"

"Sorry to interrupt, Albus, but I found your Head Boy." All heads turn as everyone looks over at the huge, double doors to the Great Hall. Filch, the caretaker, and James are standing there, James looking gloomier than he ever has.

"It's quite alright, Argus. James, we were just talking about you. Since we have finally met with our Head Boy, can I please have Miss Evans come forward?"

"Get a move on," Jayde whispers, pushing me. Shaking, I stand up and begin what seems like the longest journey I have ever made towards Dumbledore. All I can hear as I walk towards him and James are whispers and disapprovals.

After a moment of silence, Dumbledore looks away from me and at the sea of students. "It looks as if the bickering will remain number one. James Potter and Lily Evans, everyone. Your new Head Boy and Girl." Almost as if he is angry, Dumbledore quickly walks away towards the staff table as James looks over at me. Shaking his head, he heads over to where Sirius and Remus are before I return to Jayde. Just for the record, this is the worst feast I have ever attended.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three  
Only Her Eyes Are Familiar Now**

XXX

-James' POV-

It is almost near the end of the feast and I have barely eaten anything. I know, later on tonight, I will full regret not stuffing myself, but, at the current moment, I cannot bring myself to eat much more than a few forkfuls. "I still can't believe that was her," Sirius says as he fills up his plate again.

"I don't want to believe it was her," I whisper as Remus nods his head in agreement.

"Mr. Potter." I turn around quickly to find Professor McGonagall standing there, looking slightly worried. "Professor Dumbledore would like to have a word with you and Miss Evans after the feast. Go to his office. Lily knows the password. And… just out of curiosity… do you know what happened to her?"

"No. Sorry, Professor."

"Quite alright, James. Remus, I have already spoken to the new Potions teacher and he will gladly make your potion when needed. You can speak to him after your first Potions class or on your own time."

"Thank you, Professor McGonagall," Remus says, smiling slightly. Minerva nods once before straightening and walking back towards the staff table.

When the feast has ended and Dumbledore has dismissed us from the Great Hall, I immediately excuse myself from my friends and start in the direction of Dumbledore's office. "Potter! Wait up!" I turn at the sound of Lily's voice and almost wish I will be faced with a mass of curly, red hair and amazing, emerald green eyes, but, instead, all I receive is a distressed-looking Lily with straight, black hair and the same eyes as always. I wait until she is in reaching distance before I begin walking again.

"You don't have to go so fast," Lily mutters, grabbing onto my arm as she stops, putting a hand to her side.

"Are you okay?" I ask, forgetting what she looks like and thinking this is the old Lily.

"Yeah. I just haven't been around much," she says, regaining her composure and walking off. I glare at her back, the sick feeling in my stomach returning. Since I found out this stranger is Lily, I have felt sicker than ever. We walk in silence to Dumbledore's office and the only spoken word is the password.

"Ah, Mr. Potter. Miss Evans. Good to see you both once again. I trust you are doing well."

"I know I am," I say, offering a fake smile.

"Okay," Lily says, also putting on a completely fake attitude. "Professor, I already know where the Head's house is, so is there anything besides the location that we need to know?"

"Of course. James, I trust you know how to change the password."

"Obviously. And I know my way around the Head's house."

"Well, it looks as if the two of you are very well prepared. You may leave now." I only nod before saying good night and then heading out of the office with Lily trailing close behind me.

"Look, I know you're going to give me some big lecture about how I am to not bother you. Save it. I won't even talk to you if you don't want me to."

"James, I…"

"I don't want to hear it, Lily. I just… I can't understand why," I finish, lamely, biting my lower lip to keep from crying again.

"Maybe, if by some odd chance we become friends, just maybe you'll know someday."

"I highly doubt we'll ever be friends now."

"Is the way someone looks so bad?" Lily yells out, causing me to stop. Never in the history of my lifetime has Lily Evans yelled at me for something so ludicrous.

"Lily, you were… I can't even being to explain it. You were one of the most beautiful people I had ever laid eyes on. I would have given anything and everything to have you be mine. I didn't just love you for your looks. It was you. Just you in general. You are so amazing and wonderful and everything that is great in this world. What happened to you?"

"You wouldn't understand," Lily says, backing away from me and running off in the direction of the Head's house. Frustrated, I pull my iPod out of my pocket and look around.

'As long as no one knows you are using it and no one can find out, you may listen to it. This is a huge exception, James, and I don't plan on letting it slip so easily. You have to be extremely careful with not only keeping it a secret, but also keeping your behavior in check. One slip and you won't be able to use it until you can prove yourself worthy again.'

Sighing, I unravel the headphones from around the iPod and gently ease them into my ears. Sliding the hold button back, I watch as the screen lights up and I click on Music. After I have gotten into my Artists section, I scroll down to Hilary Duff, go into her Most Wanted album, and put on 'The Getaway'…

XXX

By the time I have reached the Head's house, I have already listening to 'Come Clean' and 'Fly' by Hilary Duff and I am currently listening to 'Someone's Watching Over Me'. After saying my password, I climb in through the portrait hole and begin my way up the stairs that lead into the common room.

Once inside, I see Lily sitting on the couch, staring into the fire. "What took you so long?" she questions as I carefully shut my iPod off and put it away.

"I needed to walk around for a bit."

"How did you get in?"

"I know how to change the password to my liking."

"We need to agree on one."

"Jericho."

"I beg your pardon." Lily looks up at me, an incredulous look upon her face.

"Jericho. Never mind. You pick something."

"No, I like Jericho. Where did you come up with it?"

"It's the name of a song by Hilary Duff."

"You listen to her?"

"Yeah. So?"

"So the famous James Potter does have a soft side. No reason. I like her too. But only a little."

"Whatever. I'm gonna turn in. You?"

"I will eventually." Nodding, I begin my way over to what I guess is my room when Lily stops me. "It was my dad."

"Excuse me?" I turn around, looking over at her.

"My dad did this to me." I look over at Lily, completely shocked. I have met her father before and, I must say, he is one of the nicest people I know. "He changed when I was at Hogwarts. My mom and him are getting a divorce and he hurt me. And I meant that literally."

"Oh my God. Lily, are you okay?" I immediately sit down next to her as I realize she's crying and has been for quite some time now.

"I'm never going to be okay again. Please, James, don't leave me alone. Can we please be friends?"

"I'm sorry, Lily. I have to go to bed," I say, standing up as Lily tries to pull me back down next to her. The one thing I will never let Lily see is me crying. She can't see that I'm not the strong person I portray to be. It's too dangerous to let my other side come out.

XXX

_2 weeks later  
_  
The next day is Saturday, so I am not forced to wake up bright and early for classes. I do, however, wake up around seven and immediately regret it. Lily is once again sitting on the couch, but, this time, she is reading a book. "Where are you going?" she questions as I walk across the common room and enter another room.

"To take a shower," I respond before closing the door tightly behind me. Once inside, I quickly undress, turn on the water, and step underneath the burning hot water. After I have finished my shower, I realize I didn't bring any clothes with me and, mentally cursing myself for being so stupid, I wrap a towel around my waist before stepping out of the bathroom. I am beyond thankful that Lily isn't on the couch anymore. Just as I see her door open, I dash across the length of the common room, up the stairs to my room, and into my room as quick as I can.

Once inside, I quickly search through my drawers, not coming across anything that I would totally love to wear today. "James!" Lily calls through my closed door.

"Busy," I say, my voice coming out muffled as I'm holding a shirt between my teeth.

"Can I come in for a second?"

"I'm getting dressed!" I call out, closing my drawer and heading over to my closet. "It's open!" As I hear my door opening, I partially close the door to my closet and it instantly lights up. "Well, that's cool," I mutter, searching through all my school pants until I find my jeans. After pulling on a pair of boxers and then my jeans, I buckle my belt and then walk out of my closet, towel in hand. "What's up?" I question, causing Lily to turn.

"Oh, I thought you were…" Lily stops, her eyes looking me over. Closing my eyes momentarily and sighing inwardly, I begin drying my hair with a small towel as I sit down on my bed.

"Is there something you wanted?"

"Umm, yeah. I was just wondering if you knew a certain spell."

"And what would that spell be?" I say, standing up and pulling on my white wife beater.

"Since July, I've been dying and straightening my hair. I'd really love another way to do it other than the Muggle way."

"Sorry, no can do."

"You do know."

"I don't want you to dye and straighten you hair. It was fine the way it was before."

"Just tell me the goddamn spell!" she screams at me, stepping forward.

"Forget it!" I yell back, picking up my sweatshirt and my broom.

"And where the hell do you think you're going?" she shrieks as I stalk out of my room and towards the portrait hole corridor.

"I'm going to the pitch! Good-bye, Lily!" If I could have, I would have slammed the portrait behind me when I left.

XXX

"James! Catch!" Sirius yells, smacking the bludger my way. Sirius, Remus, and I are all on the pitch, playing around. Sirius, at the current moment, is on the ground, doing random things.

"I thought I said not to touch the bludgers!" I yell, flying down towards him after catching the soaring bludger.

"Well, sor-ry. Can we work with the Quaffle again?" he says, smiling innocently.

"Fine. Remus, be keeper! I'll be chaser for Gryffindor. You're for Slytherin."

"That'll be easy. All I have to do is hate you." Grinning evilly, Sirius hops on his broom and soars away as I shake my head and see a sudden flash from above. "There! True Slytherin spirit!" I burst out laughing as Sirius comes into view, fully covered in green and silver robes.

"You look like a complete idiot."

"Yeah. If only my stupid brother and his friends could see me now."

"Speak of the devil," Remus says as he reaches us. I look over to where he's pointing and see a bunch of Slytherins sitting in the stands.

"Just ignore them. Let's get to work. Padfoot, do you really want to keep that outfit?"

"Yeah. Just to piss them off, though," Sirius responds, glaring over at the group.

"Okay, let's go!" Tucking the Quaffle under my arm, I shoot off in the opposite direction as Remus turns around in his goal post. Halfway there, Sirius comes shooting at me and smashes into me. The Quaffle goes flying, as do we. Sirius immediately starts laughing as I roll over on my broom before sitting up straight again. "Could you hit any harder?"

"Aww, does poor baby James have a weak spot finally?"

"Yeah, in your dreams."

"I don't dream about conceited pigs, Potter. Don't forget."

"You suck," I say, diving after the Quaffle. Taking Sirius by surprise, I shoot up from below, smash into him, and then head towards the goal posts.

"Not fair! I was still laughing at you!" Sirius yells out, turning around and speeding after me. Making it quick, I pull my Snitch out of my pocket, let it go, and then continue towards Remus. I make a sweet shot, forget to watch it go in, and then head for the sky. Just in time, I bend backwards and dive back towards the ground. "Prongs! What the hell are you doing?"

"Sirius! He had a Snitch! Get it before him!" Remus calls out as I turn my broom over and switch directions so that I'm going for the opposite goal posts now. I can hear a frustrated Sirius behind me, but, soon, everything is tuned out. It's been a while since I was going this fast and chasing after the Snitch once again. Suddenly, just as I'm reaching out to grab the Snitch, I feel Sirius grabbing onto the back of my sweatshirt and I quickly lose sight of the Snitch as I look back.

"Do you mind!"

"You are such a cheater!" he yells out, not letting go.

"Fine! Then I'll prove you right!" I speed up slightly, reach forward, and unzip my sweatshirt. Holding onto my broom tightly with my feet, I let the sweatshirt slide off my arms, and Sirius is sent falling backwards as I quickly grab onto my broom and rocket towards the sky.

"He is so gone!" I distantly hear Remus say before all sound is suddenly blocked out. I am so far up at this point that I can't hear anyone anymore.

XXX

It must've been maybe ten minutes before I finally saw the Snitch again and was once again racing after it. Grinning, I go into my famous dive as I flip over backward again. "Yeah, he's been up there for about fifteen minutes now," I hear Sirius saying as I come closer to bursting through the thick clouds. Apparently, there are more people there now. Sighing, I realize my mistake. The first half of try-outs is today. It was a really short notice thing, but I knew, since I was doing three different days, I'd get everyone eventually.

As soon as I shoot back through the clouds, I can hear a few girls scream and then Sirius and Remus cheering out. Just as I am about to hit the ground, I pull back up, Snitch in hand, and grinning broadly. "James, mate, that was beyond awesome," Sirius says, pulling me into a hug as I fly back up to him.

"Best catch yet," Remus comments. "And you've got a big audience too." Turning around, I look at probably a couple hundred kids sitting in the stands.

"Well, I certainly didn't expect that. Remus, do me a favor and go put my Snitch with my jacket."

"Yeah, the one you cheated on me with."

"Well, you said I was a cheater, so it was better to tell the truth."

"And since when do you cheat?"

"Only with Sirius," I say, turning around once again to face a fifth year. "Padfoot, gather up everyone that's trying out. I'm gonna go make sure the equipment is all good. Did you put the Quaffle back?"

"Yup."

"And the bludger?" I add, looking at Sirius, knowing he's going to lie.

"Yup."

"Sure you did." Just as I have reached the ground, I hear laughs from above and Sirius shouting for me to look out. "I'm going to kill you!" I yell out, strapping the bludger into its proper place. All I can hear is everyone laughing as I walk towards the changing rooms.

XXX

"James, how much longer?" Sirius calls out as he lazily leans back on his broom and yawns.

"Couple more hours," I respond, watching a few more kids walk onto the fields, brooms in hand. Immediately, Remus goes down to see what they're here for and places them in spots according to what they play. I am currently working with the chasers while Sirius is supposed to be watching the beaters and Remus is making sure the keepers are doing well. There haven't been any seekers yet, but I'm sure I'll get at least one or two by the end of the day.

"James, full load for you!" Remus calls out as he returns to the goal posts.

"Are you three here for chasers?"

"Seekers," one of them responds, not cracking even the slightest smile.

"Okay, then. Guys! Stop for a second!" I call out, causing the chasers to stop. Turning back to the three seekers, I take a deep breath. "Go back down to the ground and talk to Jayde. She'll tell you what you'll be doing when I'm done with the chasers. After she's done, I want you to practice anything that you need to. Just don't get in the way," I say before turning back to the chasers. "Continue!"

When all the chasers, beaters, and keepers have seated themselves in the stands along with quite a lot of other people, I call the seekers up. Sirius and Remus instantly join me. "As you know," Remus begins, pulling out a stopwatch. "James is the current seeker for the Gryffindor team. I'm sure you've already heard about what happened earlier with the Snitch, so be prepared. Each of you, individually, are going to race James to find the Snitch. He will be going a bit easier and you will get a ten second head start, but you can wish for the rules to be changed within reason."

"Also, if one of you does manage to beat this old hag here, you'll move on to the next task. Seeker is a very important position on a Quidditch team. Every team has their strengths and weaknesses, but the seeker has to be their biggest strength. The other players are just as important, but, sometimes, it's up to the seekers as to who wins the game. And, trust me, that does happen quite often," Sirius concludes, nodding.

"Now, who's first?" Remus questions, restarting his stopwatch.

"I'll go. I don't want a head start and he can pretend as if he's in a game," the black-haired kid says.

"And your name is?"

"Josh Alasakin."

"Okay, Josh, when I say go, you'll start off for the Snitch. Sirius, if you would be so kind as to release it." After Sirius has released the Snitch, we wait five minutes before Remus starts the stopwatch and Josh and I are off in search of the Snitch. I quickly move to the top of the pitch and sweep over the field, taking in every detail. Josh is below me, flying around, looking for it. He looks up at me occasionally, probably wishing I'll make a move so he knows what to do.

As soon as I begin flying even slightly, Josh switches direction and follows me. I look over at Sirius and shake my head slightly. He nods and jots something down. When I look back, Josh is flying up towards the sky. I begin after him, searching for the Snitch. Halfway there, I realize Josh hasn't found the Snitch and he's only trying to fake me out. And then, I spot it.

Speeding over to one of the goal posts, I slow down just in front of the middle post and swipe the Snitch out of the air from above me. Grinning, I head back over to Remus and Sirius. "How long?" I question upon reaching them.

"Six minutes and twelve seconds," Remus responds, stifling a yawn.

"I'm sorry guys. Just a little longer. We'll be done soon. I promise. Josh, it's best not to follow and then fake out. The list will be posted next week. Next."

XXX

When I am just about done with the last seeker, the once boring try-outs turn upside down and become suddenly exciting. The last seeker, Steve, was actually quite good and we were forced to seriously race against each other. In the end, he caught it, leaving me grinning from ear to ear. Sadly, I saw him much more of a chaser than a seeker. I did ask him, however, before we headed back to Remus and Sirius is he liked chaser and he said the only reason he'd gone for seeker was because Josh had said it was so much better than chaser. In return, I told him to come back tomorrow and try out for chaser.

I have just caught the Snitch while my last seeker is still up in the clouds looking for it and I am sitting on the side goal post, relaxing. I am just about to dose off slightly when a sudden whizzing noise reaches my ears. Sitting up straighter, I look around, trying to locate the noise. "JAMES! LOOK OUT!" Sirius screams, causing Remus to look over at me. Just as I am about to clamber back on my broom, I feel something hard collide with my back and I'm sent tumbling off the goal post.

While in midair, I have another bludger hit at me and this one reaches my stomach. When I finally smash into the ground, I am knocked unconscious by the impact and the last thing I hear is laughing and then shouting…


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four  
Uncovered Truths**

XXX

-James' POV-

"Do you think he's okay?" I hear a sweet voice question as I feel my head pounding.

"He fell from the goalpost. I'm just hoping he's not seriously injured. That'll totally screw up try-outs if that's the case." I smile ever so slightly as I recognize that to be Sirius' voice.

"Yeah, not to mention he might have trouble eavesdropping on his own sympathy squad." At this point, I let out a little laugh and open my eyes, looking up at the blurred figures of Sirius, Remus, and Jayde.

"Madame Pomfrey said you have a minor concussion, a very nasty bruise on your back, and she also said you probably shouldn't be flying for a while," Jayde says while fixing my glasses so that they are now sitting upon my nose.

"What about try-outs? As Sirius said, it might be kind of hard if I can't fly."

"Sirius is just as good at flying as you are. Unless you happen to cheat."

"We're still going on about this?"

"I'm going to tell your already positioned Quidditch team about this. They are never going to let you live it down."

"Yeah, well, neither are you. Can't you just have the satisfaction of you and these two knowing instead of humiliating me in front of my team?"

"Why? You can't stand your dirty little secret being let out? Everybody cheats once in a while."

"And why isn't it a surprise that came from you?"

"Now, boys, no fighting. James, how is your head feeling?"

"Smashing, darling. If someone hit me with a sledgehammer at this point, I wouldn't notice."

"Well, you better get some sleep then. The boys and I are going to head back to the common room, but I'll be looking forward to seeing you tomorrow or sometime today if you get out by then. Don't forget, Hogsmeade visit on Saturday."

"Love, how could I forget? Not when I have such a beautiful date."

"C'mon Sirius… Remus. Let's leave this poor, delusional boy alone. I'll call in Madame Pomfrey for you."

"Thank you, Jayde." After giving me a quick kiss, Jayde ushers Sirius and Remus out of the room. Almost as soon as she has gone, however, the door opens again and I look over to find Lily standing in the doorway.

"I just thought I'd come and see how you were doing. Dumbledore is still yelling at that boy."

"How do you know what happened?" I question, Jayde immediately exiting my thoughts as I swallow hard and watch as Lily pulls a seat up next to my bed.

"I was there. I had nothing better to do, so I came to watch. That was terrible what he did. It was unnecessary aggravation."

"Mr. Potter, I thought I got rid of your visitors long ago," Madame Pomfrey says as she walks briskly into the room.

"Well, I didn't know that. Jayde, Sirius, and Remus just left, but Miss Evans here just wanted to check up on me. When is my estimated departure?"

"How are you feeling right now?"

"Some Advil will do. Otherwise I'm fine."

"Then you may leave. Careful with your back and, please, no flying for two weeks. Maybe I'll even speak to Dumbledore about someone to go around with you to make sure you're never alone."

"I've got Sirius, don't forget. He's practically my brother," I say as she closes the door to her office. "Okay, she's gone. I have to ask you something. Can we talk?"

"I guess so. If we must. Where?"

"By the lake."

"Sounds good. He can take that on the go," she says, looking over at Madame Pomfrey.

"I agree with her. I can." I quickly clamber out of bed, straighten my clothes, and then take two pills from the nurse. "Toodles." She only waves after Lily and I before we walk out.

XXX

"So…" Lily starts, shifting uncomfortably. We have been sitting by the water's edge in silence for almost five minutes now.

"I need to ask you about your, um, transformation," I finish, lamely, looking over at Lily. Only last year, I would have given anything to be in the spot I was in right now. I have lusted after Lily for so many long years and now, suddenly, I find it hard to be around her. She was so beautiful. And, I don't just say that because she's pretty on the outside. No, not at all. And, I know that doesn't sound like me at all. Normally, I'd be this kid who saw a beauty, asked her out, and that was that. Lily was different. I had liked her from the beginning because of her looks, but I had come to love her by her personality only four years later.

You see, before my fourth year, I was beyond immature, as was Sirius. Remus, however, was always kind of a fart. Anyway, in my fourth year, my grandmother died and then it just seemed like, after that, a series of bad events just continued happening all around me. I realized I had to mature, and quick, if I was to get through my fourth year.

After that, I made it my goal to get to know Lily better. It never actually worked out. She was always yelling at me, hexing me, rejecting me, and continuously telling me to leave her alone.

But, now, sitting next to this girl I had once found so beautiful, I now found ugly. She wasn't Lily anymore. I mean, she was definitely still somewhat pretty on the outside, but, inside, I didn't know this stranger. She had changed into some Gothic child just waiting for the next tragedy to happen. And I was about to find out why.

"I can't tell you," Lily whispers.

"Please, Lily, I love you so much. Just tell me who hurt you."

"You what?" Lily looks back over at me as I realize my mistake. 'You don't have to verbalize every thought!' my mother mentally screams at me.

"I'm sorry. I should have never said that. It just slipped out."

"Kiss me then." This time, I look at Lily in shock. Did she just say what I think she just said?

"I beg your pardon," I say, standing up.

Lily follows suit before repeating her statement, "Kiss me. Isn't that what you do to every other girl you love?"

"I don't love you."

"You just said…"

"I love Lily."

"But, I am…" Lily stops, all sudden realization dawning on her. "Who am I to you, James?"

"A stranger. A girl named Eve. You're a shy model. A liar. A thief."

"I didn't steal anything!" Lily exclaims as I start to walk back towards the castle. I pause, biting my lower lip fiercely. If I look back, I am never going to make it. I can feel my throat constricting, my eyes burning, my head pounding, as I muster up the courage to say what I have to.

"You stole my heart," I whisper. I almost choke on the last word, but I don't. I can't let my weak side show through.

"How many times have you used that stupid line on girls, James? You're the liar!" As I feel blood on my lips, I release my bite on them as hot tears fall from the corners of my eyes and down my face. I try to make my feet move, but my legs are disagreeing. "How many times have you had a fight with a girl and then told her she stole your heart? That is such a cheap line! I can't believe you actually thought I'd buy it! What the bloody hell is wrong with you?"

"Me? Me? Are you kidding me? If you think there's something wrong with me, then you've got another thing coming!" I scream, finally making my legs move. I start again towards the castle, this time my strides becoming wider.

"Don't walk away from me! You wanna know what happened to me? You asked! I'm going to tell you!" I hear Lily start running towards me as I do the same and run from her. "My dad beat me!" I immediately slow down at this statement as I hear Lily stop running too. "He screwed up my life! He cheated on my mum and then murdered her! Before she could even save me from him! He would beat me almost twice in one day! I had had enough, so I changed who I was!" By now, I can tell Lily is choking on almost ever word, as am I.

"I thought my red locks made me look happy! I didn't want to lie to the world, so I dyed them black and straightened them! I had already seen girls who wore make-up like I do now! They looked depressed! That's what I was feeling all the time! So why not show it? I changed so I could be who I am now! When I had curly, red hair and not a lot of make-up, I was happy! When I have straight, black hair and a lot of make-up, I'm sad! Is it so bad to look like who you are? Isn't that what you do?"

I had stopped maybe halfway through her rant and now I couldn't stop the flow of harsh, silent tears. "I can't…" I stop, swallowing and trying to rid my voice of the highness it had adorned. "I can't honestly answer you question. Sometimes, I am as happy as I portray. Other times, I'm not. I was always happy, though. That was, until everything changed. I miss you, Lily. I really do. Even though all you did was scream and hex, I miss you. I can't help but constantly wish I could just see you looking beautiful again, hear you happy again, think about you without worrying again. It would be so nice."

Still, I haven't turned around, so I start walking again and, by the time I reach the stairs, Lily has disappeared. I pull up the hood of my sweatshirt, zip my sweatshirt up, and then head off towards the Gryffindor common room. The fewer people I run into, the better. If only right now wasn't lunch hour…

XXX

"Hey, James, good to see you're out of the Hospital Wing. How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I respond hollowly to a passing girl. I quicken my pace as I look for an empty room. Upon entering the second floor, I find an empty classroom and immediately let myself in, away from everyone else. I put a silencing charm on the room and then heave a huge sigh. Magically locking the door, I turn around and instantly close my eyes. Unlocking the door and lifting the charm, I leave the snogging couple to continue. There is one benefit, however, to right now being lunch hour: no one is in the common room.

I rush upstairs to the boys' dorm upon entering the common room and lock the door behind me. No one is in the room, so I have space to freak out. I pull off my sweatshirt and then my shirt before falling down on my bed. Only a few seconds have passed before I let out a long, over-due, and frustrated scream. I scream again, smashing my firsts down onto my mattress. Breathing heavily, I sit up. Just a few seconds more and I have thrown my pillow across the room, smashing the water goblet in the process.

I kick my trunk and then throw it open. Tearing through it, I toss everything that I don't need aside until I find the Marauders' Map. Taking up my wand, I speak the famous words my three friends and I so cleverly made up, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." I glance briefly at the map before saying the closing line, "Mischief managed."

Standing up, I forget to put my stuff away as I begin pacing. "Stupid, cheap line, Potter! You should have known better! Oh, Lily, die for me! You stole my heart! Ridiculous!" I yell out, running a shaking hand through my messy hair. "Did you seriously think she'd fall for it? God, Lily isn't that thick! You are such an idiot!" I scream, pounding my fist painfully against my head. "Damn it!" I kick at my truck upon passing it, which only adds to the pain in my foot from earlier. "Why? Why do I have to be such an imbecile! You thought she was going to tell you calmly! Of course she wasn't! Why would she? You knew it had to be something drastically tragic! Someone so beautiful and wonderful doesn't just change like that for no reason! You should have known it was going to come out through a fight! It was only a matter of time!"

"What the hell is wrong with you, Potter?" I continue after a few minutes of silent pacing. "What the bloody hell is…" I stop, biting my wounded lip slightly as I look up at the ceiling. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" I finish in a whisper as I collapse to the ground, sobbing hysterically and uncontrollably…

XXX

When I next wake up, it is sometime during the night and the whole room has been picked up. All I can remember is dragging myself over to my bed and instantly falling into a fitful sleep. Somehow, my pillow is supporting my head, my blankets are covering me, and my curtains are drawn tight.

Slowly, I sit up and pull back one of my curtains slightly. "How are you feeling?" Sirius asks nonchalantly as he glares at Remus over his hand of cards.

"What happened?"

"We found you unconscious on your bed. The room was in pieces, your bottom lip was bleeding, and you looked like you had been crying your eyes out for hours."

"Not surprising."

"So you were?" Sirius doesn't even look up as he sighs and picks up a card from the deck. It immediately explodes in his hands.

"You lose," Remus says, standing up and motioning for Sirius to clean up. Remus comes to sit next to me, smiles briefly, and then embraces me in a tight hug. I return the hug, breathing in.

"Thank you," I whisper as he pulls away.

"Don't mind me. Now, what happened to you? What has got you so distressed?"

"I talked to Lily. She came in only a couple minutes after you guys left from the Hospital Wing and then we headed down to the lake to talk. I asked her why she had transformed as so and she wouldn't tell me. I started to walk away and she blew up."

"So she screamed at you?"

"It was a one-sided row."

"You didn't yell back at her?" Sirius questions, looking at me in a surprised manner.

"Why would I? There was no reason to. Nothing to back it up with."

"Someone grew up in the last few hours," Sirius comments as I glare at him.

"Padfoot, please. I really don't need your side comments. I could do without them at the moment. And I didn't grow up in the last few hours."

"If you would open your eyes occasionally, you would notice that James hasn't been immature, like some people, for the last year or so," Remus adds, glaring at Sirius.

"Okay, look, Prongs, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just lost AGAIN at Remus' stupid card game he made up. Blame it on the ash covering my face," he mutters. I take that as an apology as Remus rolls his eyes. Sirius walks into the bathroom to wash off the soot before returning and giving me a hug.

"You guys are too good to me. You know you really didn't have to clean the room, though. It was my fault it was like it was. I should have cleaned it up."

"We're nice like that. At least, I know I am."

"Shove it, Moony."

"What time is it, by the way?" I ask, yawning ever so slightly.

"Almost eight. You've been out since two."

"Six hours."

"Yup. At least, that's when we came up here and found you."

"I flipped out for maybe close to an hour," I said, figuring seven hours.

"Looks like you're not sleeping tonight."

"Let's have fun and I will."

"Sounds like someone just woke up," Sirius says as he slaps hands with me. "Party time!" I only grin and shake my head as I hop out of bed and look for a shirt…


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five  
The Underside of the Boy**

XXX

-Lily's POV-

_October_

"Mr. Potter! Please pay attention!" Professor McGonagall shrieks, slamming her book down on her desk.

"I'm sorry, Professor. It won't happen again."

"That's the third time you've said that during this period! If I have to speak to you again, I'm going to be forced to give you detention!"

"Yes, ma'am." It must've only been moments later before James was once again off in dream world. He was holding a crumpled piece of parchment that had been earlier thrown at him, compliments to Malfoy. I know I shouldn't be curious as to what is on the paper, but I can't help it; I am.

The first time McGonagall spoke to James hadn't been for an unusual reason as he was talking to Sirius. The second time was similar because he had been staring off into space. The third time, however, Lucius threw a note across the room at James when McGonagall wasn't looking. She caught him reading and didn't take it away only because she didn't know it was note.

"Miss Evans!" Professor McGonagall suddenly yells, stalking over to me and slamming her hand down on my open book. I jump at the sound of her voice as she leans forward and glares at me. "Pay. Attention," she hisses. I nod weakly, still shaken from my short-lived shock.

The rest of the class seems to fly by, save for the last ten minutes. Those last moments remain implanted in my mind for a quite a long time. "Just beat him after class. I'll make up some excuse for your absence," Sirius is whispering to James. James only shakes his head, glances over at me, and then takes the note that Jayde is handing him.

"Mr. Potter! Detention!" Professor McGonagall yells, turning to write something on the chalkboard. "And Miss Evans! Do you think I'm blind? You will be joining Mr. Potter!"

"What!" I say, looking up. Wrong move.

"She didn't do anything!" James defends.

"I don't need your help!" I snap at him, glaring.

"Fine!" James slumps down in his seat as Sirius stares at me in shock.

"What?" Sirius just puts up his hands in order to avoid getting in trouble. He turns as McGonagall slams her book down on her desk again.

"This is ridiculous! Three weeks of detention! Both of you! And twenty points off Gryffindor! Each!" she screams. "Dismissed!" Everyone quickly scrambles to exit the room as I gather up my things and head over to James to yell at him.

"How could you!"

"Not my fault, so don't even start with me!" he immediately retaliates, turning to face me.

"Not your…" I begin, but James just brushes past me.

"Nice going, Evans," Sirius hisses, almost shoving me as he starts to walk by. I _accidentally_ stick out my foot and he trips, falling into one of the desks. Instantly, I disappear. "Evans!" I can hear Sirius roar behind me as people shriek and part for a raging Sirius and friends.

_Someone. I need someone._ And, suddenly, my whole world cracks, shatters, collapses, and disappears. I feel like I'm shrinking, becoming so small, it's unimaginable. I feel like everything is just closing up faster than anything. The one person that would have saved me now hates me. I have completely failed. In every aspect of my life…

I scream suddenly as I feel a hand close around my wrist and I am pulled into an empty classroom. A hand is put over my mouth as my captor puts his ear to the door and listens. I look down at the arm now around my waist and inwardly gasp. I know the hand covering my mouth, I know the arm holding me tight, and I know the body up against my own. "Don't piss off Sirius again. Next time, I'll make sure I'm not there," James says, stepping away from me. He opens the door, exits, and leaves me. Almost as soon as the door closes, I collapse to the floor and immediately start crying.

"You hate him, Lily. You have to," I whisper, choking away my tears and wiping my eyes. "You don't need him, Lily. He's nothing to you. He never has been." Stumbling up, I fall into the wall. "Then why am I still hoping? Still holding on?" I finish, reaching inside my bag. Grasping a wrinkled piece of paper tightly, I let the tears flow again…

XXX

Although I am already fifteen minutes late for Potions, I figure it's better than just missing the class. Bracing myself for whatever oncoming rant I'm about to receive, I knock on Professor Stato's door. "Enter!" a booming voice commands before I slowly open the door. "Ah, Miss Evans. So nice of you to finally join us. And what is your excuse?"

"I don't have one, sir," I say, hanging my head.

"No excuse? Hmm, simply unacceptable. Well, I will continue to follow my rules and grant you a tardy for this quarter. Late again and it's detention. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal."

"Good girl. Take a seat." Professor Stato turns back to the board to continue writing directions as I sit down next to Jayde.

"I cannot believe you showed up late," she whispers as I take out my things needed for the class.

"Stupid Potter and Black completely ruined my day. Or next three weeks, for that matter. Did he show up at least?"

"Yeah, but he hasn't said a word since he walked in. He's really upset, Lily, and you know it isn't because of the detentions. You hurt him and you know it."

"Oh, he'll get over it."

"No, you need…"

"Girls," Stato warned. Jayde nodded sweetly, waited for him to disappear into his closet, and then continued.

"No, you need to be a little less insensitive, a little less blind, and a little more understanding."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Not only are you mentally and emotionally killing him everytime you speak to him, you are so blind to the fact that he's trying his hardest to defend you in every way possible and he's trying his hardest to be nice to you although all you do is yell at him. Not to mention he has matured so much since last year and he isn't trying to impress you or get you to go out with him."

"That's…"

"And that's not because you changed. I'm sure if you were still regular, old Lily, he'd still be doing what he's trying to now. You need to stop bagging on him every change you get and start trying to be even slightly nice to him. Otherwise, I'm really gonna not like the idea of being your friend. You have absolutely nothing to back up your reasoning for hating James at this point."

"Jayde…"

"Yeah?"

"Miss Matthews, please, no more speeches until after class," Stato whispers as he walks by our table.

"I'm sorry, sir. Won't happen again." Jayde suddenly pulls Stato aside and puts on a sweet smile. "Umm, Professor, may I make a suggestion in the switch of a few partners?" I stare at Jayde, mentally shaking her.

"Sure. Go ahead."

"Switch Sirius and Lily here." Stato looks at Sirius trying hopelessly to cheer James up to the horrified me.

"Mr. Potter," he suddenly begins.

"I hate you," I hiss, grabbing Jayde's forearm. She grins as I look up at Stato.

"You are going to start right now," Jayde says, shrugging.

"Please come sit where Miss Matthews is right now. Mr. Malfoy, go sit where Mr. Potter was. Mr. Lupin, please move back a seat. Miss Matthews, you and Mr. Black can go work at another station together. And, Mr. Crabbe, move up front and work with Miss Dark." James, Sirius, Remus, Jayde, Lily, December, Lucius, and Crabbe all look at Stato in shock. "Let's go. Move, people. We have a potion to make." Although unwillingly, everyone obeys…

XXX

"Can you pass me that vial? No, the pink one," James says, tucking a pencil behind his ear as I pick up a small, pink vial and hand it to him.

"What is that going to do? It says nowhere in the directions to add anything pink."

"I know. That's the trick to the potion. You see, Stato, along with every other teacher, always leaves something out of every task. It is the student's job to figure it out. By manipulating the potion from every direction, I can clearly decipher what the secret ingredient is. I mean, sure, the potion will come out right without this little additive, but it will come out better with it. Besides, I've helped my mom make this potion before," James concludes, smiling slightly as he carefully lets a few drops slide out of the vial. The potion sizzles and turns a disgusting shade of purple before it turns an ugly green.

"Umm, I don't think it's supposed to be that color."

"Correct. Turn down the burner a few degrees. Then add the dragon's skin. I'll put in this icky, yellow stuff."

"How do they get the dragon skin?" I question, moving my stool back in order to turn down the burner. James taps me on the shoulders, points to the front of the desk, and then laughs slightly. "Shut up. Jayde is always doing the technical stuff. I'm not used to it," I mutter, standing up and walking around to the front to turn down the burner.

"Well, when a dragon gets really sick, like sick enough to die, they'll kill it to put it out of its misery. Or, when a dragon starts to get really old and it starts dragging, they'll kill it in order to make room for new dragons. After the dragon is killed, they skin it and send the skin off to various places. Some goes to schools, some goes to shops, and some goes to merchants. Once the skin is off…" James pauses, pulling the vial away from the potion and setting it down.

"What's wrong?" I question as he makes a face. He puts up a finger, turns, and sneezes. "Bless you," I say, smiling as I head over to the back of the table and start to separate the dragon's skin from the sticky black substance it is residing in.

"Thanks," he mutters, turning around, and picking the vial back up. "As I was saying, after they get the skin off, they remove its claws, its teeth, and its horns if it has any. Finally, they'll use any of its good meat for various things like selling it to merchants or feeding other dragons and creatures. The bones usually go on display. So, basically, every part of the dragon is used after it's killed."

"How do you…" I stop, watching as James sneezes again, and then continue, "…know so much about this stuff?"

"My mum used to do, like, super awesome in Potions. It was one of her favorite subjects. My dad, however, was totally into DADA. That's why he's an Auror, obviously. But, I guess everything just sort of got mixed cuz I love Potions and DADA. I just happen to have a thing for dragons thrown in on the side."

"Your dad is an Auror?"

"Top of the line. Harold Potter." James grins broadly as I roll my eyes slightly. Then, it clicks.

"Oh my God."

"What?"

"Your dad…"

"I'm sorry. One second." Unexpectedly, James stands up and heads over to Stato's desk, sneezing twice on the way. He talks with him for a few minutes and then heads back, brushing something off his fingers as he does. I stare at him, but more so at a different him I'm suddenly discovering as he walks back. James isn't that bad once I get to know him. He actually is a nice guy and I can see why Jayde is always defending him so much. She was right. I was wrong.

"You okay?" I question as he sits down.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, fine. I'm slightly allergic to the yellow stuff. I thought it was that but I wasn't sure what it was."

"I could've told you."

"Yeah, well, I had another question anyway. So, what were you saying about my dad?"

"Different question first. How do you retain so much information?"

"What do you mean?"

"You were just talking to me, and then you go up and have a quick little conversation with Stato. You come back here and pick up right where we left off."

"I have a good memory. But, trust me, if we stay off-topic long enough, I'll forget and never remember."

"Okay, your dad, over the summer, was he called on some trip to a family's house where the Muggle father killed the Muggle mother and they had two daughters, one of which was a witch?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"No reason. I was just curious.'

"Oh… okay… I guess." James just shrugs as he continues to add ingredients to the potion.

"Ten minutes!" Stato calls out suddenly.

"Look, I know who you're talking about, but we need to just forget that for, like, seven minutes. Can you work really fast and not complain?"

"I'll do my best."

"Good. Ready?"

"Set."

"Go…"

XXX

"He's amazing. He knows so much and he's always on task. He can work so fast and, I know, weird, but he does everything right. He figures out problems inside and out before he's totally sure it's right and even then he does that really fast. He works quick and diligently and he totally forgets he's in a classroom. We had a full, normal, non-fight conversation, totally off-topic of the potion. He seemed to have no sense of where he was or what he was doing, but he was doing everything right. You get what I'm saying?"

"Lily, Lily, Lily. Guess what?"

"Oh, Jayde, c'mon, I really don't need that."

"I told you so."

"Hate you."

"I know. You've already told me twice today. Maybe we can fit in four more times by the end of the day."

"I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it. Just joking around."

"Der. Of course I knew that. Hey, dream guy coming up ahead."

"Yeah, and why doesn't he look happy?"

"Umm… oh, shit, Lily, we need to go, like, now. You so do not want to be caught in the middle of this."

"Jayde, what are you talking about?" I turn around, spot Malfoy, and then bite my lower lip. _Hard decision, Lily, but you can do it._ I walk away from Jayde and up to James, preparing myself. He doesn't see me yet, so I fix my smile into a fake, yet happy one and step in front of him just in time. "Hey James!" I say, causing him to stop short and look down at me. He steps back, looking at me curiously. He catches the glare in my eye and instantly steps back a little more.

"Hey, umm, Lily."

"Don't touch him. No matter what he said or did. Set a good example," I mutter, letting my smile slip into a real, yet unhappy frown as I stalk away.

"Hey, Lindsay, look, she's in seventh year. She's the Head. Go ask her."

"Is something wrong?" I ask, turning around to face the two frightened first years.

"We're sort of lost. We just came from Potions and we can't find our way to the Great Hall."

"That's okay. I just came from Defense Against the Dark Arts, but I was formerly at Potions, so I can direct you to the right place. If you exit the dungeons and… wait, you're in Gryffindor, right?" They both nod. "Well, if you go like you're going to the common room…" I stop as someone pushes past me and I stumble. "Malfoy! Watch it!" I yell at him as he continues to storm towards someone. "Sorry. Go the way towards the common room, but head towards the huge room you first entered at the beginning of the year. Is that clear? I'm not really good with directions."

"I think we'll manage. Thank you, umm…"

"My name is Lily."

"I'm Lindsay and this is my best friend, Catherine."

"Uh, are they supposed to be fighting?"

"What?" I turn around to see James suddenly stumbling and falling to the ground, Malfoy advancing on him. Remus helps James up as Sirius throws a curse at Malfoy. Lucius jumps out of the way and the curse hits a watching third year. The girl screams and immediately runs off, her group of friends following her. James throws a punch that hits Malfoy in the stomach and Malfoy doubles up as Sirius throws another curse at him.

"POTTER, BLACK, AND MALFOY! STOP IT!" I scream, running over to them. Jayde helps me separate the fighting boys along with Remus, December, my friend, Emily, Remus' girlfriend, and Taylor, December's boyfriend. "THIS IS UNCALLED FOR!" I continued, feeling the anger rising in me. "LUCIUS, DETENTION FOR ATTACKING JAMES! SPEAK TO PROFESSOR STATO ABOUT IT!" Malfoy doesn't move which only makes me angrier. "NOW!"

"But it's lunch period!" he complains.

"I DON'T CARE! GO!" the crowd starts to dissipate as James and Sirius hang their heads slightly. "Sirius, you will be serving your detention with McGonagall, but on Saturday. You will miss Quidditch practice because you voluntarily cursed another student against his own will. That is against the rules."

"So, if…"

"DON'T EVEN GO THERE! YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO CURSE ANYONE! AND YOU KNOW THAT!"

"But, you said…"

"Sirius, oh my God, shut up!" James yells this time, shoving Sirius.

"And you, I'm not going to give you any detentions only because you have a full three weeks ahead and because I know you had nothing to do with that fight." Although still angry and still able to scream a bit longer, I turn on my heel and walk away, Jayde trailing quickly behind me…

XXX

"My throat is killing me," I whine as we find a seat at the crowded Gryffindor table.

"Yeah, I wonder why. You just screamed like psycho at Malfoy, James, and Sirius," Jayde responds, watching the Marauders walk into the Great Hall. The Slytherins all boo and hiss as James and Sirius walk by, but James just ignores them and holds Sirius back.

"Maturity," is all Jayde says as they continue towards the Gryffindor table. "Oh no," she suddenly gasps, looking down the table.

"What?"

"They're going to sit with us. They have to. There's no room anywhere else for the three of them to sit together."

"Are you serious?" I hiss, leaning towards Jayde.

"Can I sit here or are you just gonna snap at me?"

"Sirius, go to hell, okay?" James says, shoving Sirius on the other side of him. James sits down next to me instead as Sirius glares at me and sits down next to him. Remus sits on the other side of the table, next to Jayde as Jayde looks at me questioningly. I give her a look and she immediately stands up as do I. We switch spots before switching meals and then continue on with our conversation as before.

"Was that absolutely necessary?" James questions, glaring at me.

"Was what absolutely necessary?"

"Did you have to deliberately get up and switch seats just to piss me off?"

"What? You think I want to sit next to you?"

"What the hell is your problem, Lily?"

"My problem? What's my problem? Are you kidding me? Take a look at yourself!"

"I have lately. And I don't see anything currently wrong! We have a perfectly normal day until some faggot decides to attack me and then you think I'm the worst person ever! What is wrong with you?"

"He does have a point," Jayde puts in as Remus nods.

"Not to mention…"

"Sirius!" James and Remus say at the same time.

"Fine. I'll just shut up and be ignored by everyone. Nothing new."

"Good."

"Oh, so now you're gonna start acting all pissy! Just cuz Evans has got your stomach in knots! Get over yourself, Prongs!" Sirius stands up, stalking away after he has removed himself from the table.

"Am I doing something seriously wrong here? Cuz everyone seems to be hating me," James says as Remus stands up.

"I'll go talk to him."

"Well, I'm not staying alone with him."

"You make it sound like I'm some kind of disease!" James shouts at me as I push away my plate and stand up.

"Well, maybe that's what I'm thinking!" I yell back, glaring at him in a way that could've possibly killed him. "C'mon, Jayde!"

"What? With you? Are you insane? Those three have never had a fight and you cause their only one! Yes, you, Lily! You did something wrong! And, another thing… I hate this! I can't even eat a decent meal without hearing about you two fighting or actually watching it! This sucks!"

"Well, sor-ry."

"Lily, save your frickin attitude for someone who cares!" Jayde snaps, getting up and stalking off.

"Fine! I will!" I walk off in a huff in the opposite direction and as I approach the Great Hall, I turn to find James gone. Upon looking at the other exit, I see him just slipping through the doorway. What have I done now?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six  
Sacred Secrets**

XXX

-James' POV-

"No, you're totally right," Sirius says, kneeling down next to the table to pick up a squirming worm. We are currently outside in the middle of another boring Care of Magical Creatures class. We just came from Divination which was definitely no better.

"You know, I don't get her. One minute, she's all nice and having this normal conversation with me and the next, she's at my throat, practically ripping it open with her words. I mean, seriously, did I say or do something in the time span of one class to piss her off that much?"

"Well, I guess you didn't have to bring up the fact that she switched seats. Other than that… holy crap." Remus stops suddenly, pausing in his search of the vial that heals sick worms. "James…"

"What? What? What did I do? Tell me!"

"The fight!" Remus exclaims as Sirius goes wide-eyed.

"I completely forgot," I mutter, letting my head fall into my hands. "But… you don't think she thinks I started that, do you?" I question, looking over at Remus.

"It's very possible and it's also the only logical reason for her suddenly turning cold on you."

"That's BS! I so didn't start that! You know that!"

"True, but she doesn't."

"Prongs, this is ridiculous. Just hear me out for a few minutes. Last year, Lily was, I must admit, one of the most beautiful girls that went to our school. Seriously, if she wasn't such a stiff, I would've gone out with her. Or, at least, tried to. So, over the summer, you send her this amazingly written letter and you never get word back from her. Normal, right? That's how it's always been. But, hold on, I'm not done, but, you said something different in that letter. Something you haven't ever told her. You knew something happened, didn't you?

"My point? Exactly this: Lily has changed. She got rid of her beauty, inside and out. She totally turned herself around in the worst way and practically killed her old self. You saw her at the photo shoot and she lied to you. When you first saw her in the Great Hall during beginning of the year feast, you turned a cold shoulder upon her and she did the exact same. She has been fighting with you since then. And now, when you finally manage to have a normal conversation with her, she blows up at you when she believes, in some insane way, you had something to do with the fight that involved who? Malfoy."

"Sirius, where are you going with that analogy?"

"I think a little miss redhead likes someone quite as evil as she's becoming."

"No," Remus breathes, finally realizing what Sirius is talking about.

"Who is she working with?"

"Jayde. That has nothing to…"

"What is she talking about?"

"I dunno."

"Go walk by her. Pretend you're asking the teacher something. Here, ask for a new medicine vial because Remus obviously gave up looking for one. Quick, before she changes the subject and before this little bugger dies."

"You sure?"

"James, honestly, I know what they're talking about. I can hear them. Slightly, but still enough."

"Okay." I nod, stand up, and start towards Professor McCen's make-shift desk.

"You like him? Are you serious? He's a Slytherin, Lily."

"I know, but he was so nice to me and I'm sure he'd give me a second chance considering I'm not exactly true Gryffindor material anymore."

"You just screamed at him to no end, like, two hours ago. And you think he forgave you that quickly?"

"Yeah, well, I dunno. Guys are weird sometimes."

"And you think he likes you back?"

"Well, he was going to… what do you want Potter?"

"Nothing from you, Evans." I watch as Lily's eyes widen and Jayde looks at me in shock.

"Lils, he just called you Evans. And cold shouldered you."

"You know what, actually, I do want something from you. I have just one little question," I say, standing in front of Jayde and Lily's desk and placing my hands down in front of Lily. I lean forward, letting myself get close enough so that I can clearly see every aspect of her beautiful emerald green eyes. I can feel her intake sharply as Jayde continues to stare at me.

"I'm waiting," she says, trying to sound confident although her voice comes out soft and slightly high.

"What?"

"You're an asshole, that's what," she responds, gripping my wrists and trying to push me away.

I switch positions so that I am now holding her wrists and staring into her eyes, glaring at her so fiercely, it almost hurts.

"Why?"

"Because you were fighting…" she whispers, attempting to pull her eyes away from mine, but having no such luck.

"With Malfoy. Thank you," I say, releasing my grip on her wrists and standing straight, recomposing myself. Turning on my heel, I head back towards my table. I only catch one thing before I completely tune out Lily.

"Jayde, I'm dying. He's killing me…"

XXX

"Breathe in…" I let my eyes close as I breathe in slowly. "Exhale…" My eyes open this time as I let the breath out slowly. "Breathe in… Exhale… Breathe in… Exhale…" This process continues for about two more minutes before I finally feel at rest. "How do you feel?"

"Relaxed."

"That's good. Now, I'm going to give you a word. React how you would normally." I nod and wait for the word, or phrase, whichever. "Lily Evans."

"Screw it, Remus. I can't do this anymore," I hiss, pushing my chair back and standing up, beginning to pace for the fourth time that night. "This is driving me insane," I continue, reaching up and grasping my hair in my hands.

"It's just a passing wave of frustration," Remus tries, letting Sirius force me down onto the couch.

"Why Malfoy, though? Of all people."

"You know what, Prongs, I think we should go for the night. It's getting late and I still have a bit of homework to do," Remus says, standing up and running a hand through his hair.

"Thanks guys, I'm sorry I put you through this."

"Hey, James, it's us. We're here for you, man," Sirius says, smiling and resting a hand on my shoulder.

"I'll see you guys in the morning."

"Okay. Bye." I wave after Sirius and Remus as they leave the common room. As the door closes, I stand up and head over to my bag. Because the room is so silent, when I hear the common room door slamming open, I jump and accidentally drop my bag to the floor, all of its contents spilling out. A few books drop from the table, but I don't take much notice. Stuffing all my things back in my bag, I put the fallen books back on the table and stand up. Standing before me is Lily and Lucius.

"Potter," Lucius mutters as I walk by. I don't respond, but continue on my way towards my room. I quickly jog up the stairs, into my room, and onto my bed. Upon entry, I throw my bag at the opposite wall and fall to my knees. I would've screamed in frustration had Lucius not been just downstairs.

Trying to bottle up my anger and store it away, I walk over to my bag, pick up a random book, and head back to my bed. Lying on my stomach, I open the book and am instantly taken aback. Beautiful, neat cursive covers the pages. Curious, I begin reading.

_Ugh. Today was yet another day filled of fights. Not surprising. I am currently in Divination, as if that helps any. Potions was okay. Jayde purposefully asked Stato to change everyone's partners and specifically recommended I be with Potter so I can "further better my knowledge on what a nice guy he is". I swear, she'll be the death of me someday. Anyway, it was actually a nice class. James was okay and we had a nice, normal conversation. Now that's something that doesn't happen everyday. It was just, after Defense Against the Dark Arts, I was walking to lunch and I see James heading over to start beating on Malfoy. I told him to stop and set a good example, but as soon as I have my back turned and am giving directions to two first years (I think their names were Lindsay and Catherine), he has to just go and pick a fight. What a loser! I swear, James Potter is the most arrogant, stuck-up prat I have ever met! And yet, there's that little difference.  
_  
"James Potter!" I hear Lily scream as she comes running up the stairs to my room. "Open this door right this instant! I know you have my journal! You were putting the books back when I walked in!" As soon as she says that, it totally clicks what I am holding in my hands. I slowly turn the page as I hear her fumbling for her wand.

_I need him.  
_  
It's at that moment that I close the journal and let it drop to the floor. My door flies open as I let my head drop down onto my hands. "See! Right there! I knew you took it!"

"Lily, I didn't know it was yours! When you came in, you slammed the common room door and I dropped my bag! My bag hit the books and they fell on the ground! I must've picked that up on accident! I just opened it to start homework! I didn't mean to!" I scream at her, sitting up and trying to push my pounding headache away for the time being.

"You're a liar! You so did read it! And that's why you look so shocked!"

"Okay, so I read one of the entries! I told you! I thought it was one of my textbooks!"

"But you didn't put it away once you realized it wasn't?"

"It didn't click! Look, I'm not in a good mood, I'm really stressed, and I have a huge migraine! Not much is making sense right now!"

"You can't blame it on that! It's quite obvious this has nothing to do with magic!" Lily screams, holding her journal tight to her chest. I can feel my eyes burning and my heart beating heavily and furiously in my ears, but I try to ignore it. "Are you even listening to me?" she continues to scream. I groan inwardly, letting my eyes slip shut as I try to block her out. "James! Don't tune me out! Why did you read it?"

"Lily, not now. Please," I beg, standing up and starting towards her.

"Oh what? Are you gonna push me out and tell me to shut up now?"

"No. Just move. Please." She steps out of the way as I feel the world tipping slightly and I feel the blood rushing to my head. "Malfoy, get out," I say as I enter the common room.

"But…"

"Lucius, tonight is not a good night. I'll see you tomorrow." Shrugging, Lucius stands up, collects his things, and leaves Lily to follow me.

"Stop walking away from me!" I bite my lip and let out a soft groan as her words echo in my head, slamming against the sides of my mind, trying to break me in half.

"Lily, shut the hell up!" I scream back at her, slamming the bathroom door behind me. I slowly lower myself in front of the toilet and give up the contents of my supper. I vomit again, feeling slightly better, as Lily ruins the moment and knocks on the door.

"James? Are you okay?"

"Just go away," I mumble, barely comprehensible.

"I just want to make sure you're okay."

"No, I'm not. Now leave me alone." I puke only once more before flushing the contents down the toilet and standing up to clean my face. I down two of the pills my mom told me to bring from home and instantly feel them working on my migraine. "Thank you," I whisper, closing my eyes and picturing my mom hugging me.

Upon opening the door, however, it is to find Lily sitting at the table, obviously awaiting me. "What's wrong?" she questions as soon as I step out of the bathroom.

"Obviously you don't listen when someone yells at you," I mutter, brushing past her and heading towards my room.

"Look, I heard you say you had a headache, but it didn't really register until…"

"Until you screamed at me enough to increase the migraine so much that I was actually sick. Yeah, that works, I guess." I only roll my eyes and start Remus' relaxation treatment. "In… out… in… out," I whisper under my breath, following the instructions carefully.

"I just… I'm sorry, James. I understand that you didn't mean to read my journal. I'm just in a bad mood."

"That's all you had to say." I smile slightly, close my door, and collapse on my bed, falling asleep almost suddenly…

XXX

I woke up some time later in the night, my headache slightly there, but mostly gone. Stretching and yawning, I swing my legs over the side of my bed and slowly stumble towards my dresser. After stepping out of my shoes and stripping down, I pull on a pair of plaid PJ bottoms and a simple, white tank. Still stumbling, I go back over to my bed, put my glasses away, and slip back under my blankets.

It must've only been ten minutes before I realized my efforts to go back to sleep were in vain. I always knew when I woke up, I wasn't going back to sleep. Anyway, I was awake now. Groaning as I put my glasses back on, I trudge over to the door, put on some soft slippers on the way, and then head downstairs into the common room. Still yawning, I unconsciously step over the squeaky stair and carefully walk around the creaky floorboard.

"What're you doing up?" a soft, sweet voice questions, making me jump.

"Huh?" I finish my yawn, rub my blurry eyes, and stare at the couch. Lily is sitting there, her curly hair falling down around her face. I try to process the vision in front of me, but I don't do so well as it disappears.

"James?" Never mind. Still there.

"Your hair…" I begin, still trying to fully wake up.

"I took a shower before I went to bed and I didn't feel like straightening it. Tomorrow is Saturday anyway. I don't feel like going out. Besides, it's going to be too rainy and the girls all have something to do."

"Yeah… sure…" I yawn again, dragging my feet towards the couch.

I sit down on the opposite side of the couch as Lily looks over at me curiously. "You never answered my question."

"I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep," I respond, grabbing a fallen pillow and putting it on the arm of the chair. "Hmm, better idea," I mutter, standing up and going over to the armchair. I drape the blanket hanging over the top of the chair over me as I cuddle up against my pillow.

"Tired?" Lily says, smirking.

"Slightly," I whisper, pulling the blanket up to my shoulders and tucking my feet underneath the other side. "Did you start the fire?"

"Only a little. I'm not huge on fire, so I just added a log or two. I only wanted something small."

"You haven't been reading?"

"I don't read all the time, you know."

"That's okay. I didn't mean it to be offensive. So, why are you up?"

Lily opens her mouth to respond when a sudden rumble of thunder causes me to look up. "That's why," she says, looking sheepishly at the ground.

"It's okay. You don't have to be…" A crack of lightning erupts throughout the sky and brightens the room temporarily as Lily hides her face in the pillow she has been holding. Sighing, I make up my mind to go over and comfort her. Doing just that takes much more, though. "You wanna come over here?"

"What?"

"Look, I have half a mind to go over there, but that would mean I have to move and that's up for some serious debate. The side that's voting stay here is very strong, so why don't you come over here. It's less frightening when you're with someone."

"I… okay." Lily slowly walks over to me, but when another flash of lightning goes off, she quickly hurries over. She taps her wand against the chair and it becomes slightly bigger so she can fit on comfortably. She looks at me curiously and I make a motion, so she cuddles up next to me, her back to me, and her head just below my own, resting slightly on my shoulder.

"So what's this fear of storms all about?" I question, reaching over the side and grabbing another blanket.

"I've had a bunch of bad experiences with them when I was little. Plus… never mind."

"No, it's okay. I won't laugh. I am human, you know. I have fears too."

"Doubt it."

"I'll tell you mine if you finish your sentence."

"There was a storm the night my mom died. Something bad always happens when there's a storm." I only nod slightly, understanding completely. "So… tough guy, what's your biggest fear?"

"Lemme think. Hold on…" I make a face, biting my tongue as I try to think of something brilliant. "I hate being in front of people."

Lily giggles and turns her head to look up at me. "No way."

"No kidding. Umm… no, you're gonna totally think I'm a softy after I say it."

"Please. I told you mine."

"I guess… I guess I'm really afraid of dying."

"Do tell," she whispers, leaning into me a little more as the thunder shakes through the sky again. I put my arm around her waist cautiously, not wanting her to totally freak out on me, but she doesn't, so I keep it there.

"I always have, like, nightmares of my mom dying or, like, I'll always think about it. Whenever I haven't spoken to her in over a week or two, I'll freak out and think something has happened. That's why I tend to write to her every chance I get."

"What about your dad?"

"Umm… yeah… my dad's dead, Lily."

"Oh, James, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. He was killed during Auror business in America. Hey, wait a minute."

"What?"

"You once said something about my dad and some thing that happened over the summer. What was that all about?"

"Well, your dad was one of the top Aurors that came to my house the night my dad killed my mum."

"Oh, okay. Sorry I asked."

"That's okay. I'm getting over it."

"Same here." There is a slightly uncomfortable silence that follows, but it is soon interrupted by another crack of lightning. Taken by surprise, Lily stifles a small scream as her body begins to shake. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here. I'll protect you," I whisper, holding her tight. She manages to turn around and snuggles up closer to me, burying her face in my chest as she relaxes…

XXX

_December 25_

"LILY! WAKE UP!" I scream as I run into her room and jump on her bed.

"Mmm, go away. I'm still sleeping," she mumbles into her pillow.

"Guess what?" I whisper as I lay down next to her.

"What?" she questions, looking over at me with sleepy eyes.

"Happy Christmas!" I exclaim, rolling off the bed and jumping up. Lily just laughs and sits up, watching me do a little dance. "Come on, you have to open your stuff before the girls come!"

"Okay, psycho, settle down. What time is it?"

"Nine."

"Wow. I slept late."

"No kidding. I've been up since eight, but I got really bored, so I figured I'd wake you up."

"Yeah, thanks for giving me former warning."

"You're welcome." I only grin and skip out of the room.

XXX

Upon walking into the Great Hall, I am greeted by the wonderful site of twelve beautiful trees covered in gold and silver ornaments. There are pretty, white candles floating around the hall while snowflakes fall through the fake ceiling. "I love Christmas," I say as Sirius, Remus, and I breathe in the fresh smell of pines.

"Ditto," Sirius and Remus say at the same time, sighing.

"Guys, you are never going to believe this!" I suddenly exclaim, causing them to groan in protest. "Lily and I have been friends for over a month! It's a miracle!"

"Don't get too excited, Potter. It's not like she's going out with you," a menacing voice sneers from behind me. I turn around, still grinning.

"Hey, Malfoy. Heard the good news. Congrats. If only Lily was in the right state of mind when you asked her out and she accepted. Have fun, mate," I say, my grin turning evil as I give him two thumbs up before heading over to the Gryffindor table.

"That was sick, Prongs. Very smooth," Sirius comments, clapping a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm feeling nice today. Hello ladies. You are looking exceptionally beautiful today," I say looking over at Jayde. "Lily," I breathe, stopping.

"Hey James," she says, smiling warmly.

"You look… wow." I watch as she blushes slightly and lets her beautiful, curly, red hair fall in front of her face. I turn around to look at Remus who just shrugs and sits down. "Why… when… I'm at a loss. Help me."

"It's Christmas. Why ruin the joyous spirit with such darkened looks?" she responds, still smiling.

"Permanent, maybe?"

"Possibly, but possibly not. You never know."

"So, Lily, what's this bullcrap about you going out with Malfoy?" Sirius buts in, making me turn and glare at him.

"I'm going to try this nicely. Ready?" I clear my throat and fix my glare into a fake smile with fake looking eyes. "Shut. The. Hell. Up. Padfoot."

"Thanks, James. Clear and nice," Sirius says, smacking me upside the head.

"Ow!" I complain, rubbing the back of my head. "Dude… idea," I suddenly say, my hand dropping back onto the table.

"Have you girls finished eating yet?" Remus questions, taking my lead.

"Umm, yeah. Why?"

"Cool. Padfoot…"

"It's snowing out! Woohoo! It's snowing out! Go Padfoot, go Padfoot!" Sirius exclaims, getting up and doing a little dance. "Don't look at me like that, you know it was hot," he says, leaning backwards and giving Jayde a kiss on the cheek. "I am so out!" he says, running towards the doors.

"Perfectly done," I say, slapping hands with Remus as Lily and Jayde stand up.

"Did he just…" Jayde begins.

"Oh yeah. Don't worry, you two will be an item by the end of the day," I finish, reassuringly as Jayde blushes and smiles sheepishly. "Aww, Jayde's in love," I coo, instantly quickening my pace.

"Dead Potter!" she exclaims, chasing after me. Within minutes of being outside, we are all engaged in a furious snowball fight…

XXX

Once inside, we are all dripping and soaked to the bone. "I am ssso cccold," I say, my teeth chattering.

"I agree," Lily whispers, rubbing her arms in a feeble attempt to make herself warm.

"So, Jayde, what d'you say about Hogsmeade?" Sirius questions, stepping over to her.

"Sounds wonderful," Jayde responds, blushing again as Sirius wraps an arm around her waist and they head off towards the Gryffindor house.

"I'm gonna go with them. We'll meet back by the Great Hall later on. Is that good?" Remus says as Sirius calls for him to get going.

"Yeah. Lily and I are gonna go get changed in the Heads' house. Later." I only wave after a running Remus before turning to Lily. "Shall we?" I say, extending my arm.

"Yeah, sure," she mumbles, still trying to warm herself up. Walking over to her, I drape my arm around her shoulders, and begin walking away…


End file.
